Today....

Yesterday I reached out to Tera about the situation here. What really made an imprint was her umbrella analogy. I hold this umbrella over John going where he goes to protect him from the rain when the rain is God trying to teach him something. I forgot and felt good and understood my place.

Than talking with Vanessa was eye opening when I look at it rationally. Honestly without the spiritual lends on. Was that the answer I was actually looking for? I do love John and although we were disobedient in getting married, God showed me the vision of our marriage and it's not to give up. Our testimony will be used to save other marriages and the challenge of not just being unequally yoked with your spouse, but also with God. I want to keep my marriage because it brings me joy, happiness and spontaneity. He cares for me and serves me. He loves me. He just doesn't care or love himself. He can't receive my love nor the love of God. 

Might have gotten off on a tangent here but the country between Vaesaa and Tera, I need to focus on Liz. What the holy spirit is doing within and what needs to happen practically, for the long run. Patrick mentioned what is going to help. The light at the end of this tunnel will lead to success. Will that success be with our without John? Either way. Liz needs a job and needs to be about supporting her daughter.

The other things Vanessa mentioned was a mock rock bottom and legal separation to protect me from John's financial mess. Right now ova responsible for all the debt he is recurring. 

Rather someone told me or not. Its no one else's fault but my own that I'm not where I need to be. Being at home with Kamea and building a business was ideal but not realistic. 

It's time for mama bear to roll out and protect her cub by all means necessary.

A Love Affair

It may sound selfish because the world has misused love and self. Yet Jesus said, in Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV), “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor AS YOURSELF.

Meaning, how can we love anyone else if we have no love for ourselves? If we don't love ourselves.

I literally know this already. I don't know how many times I have said yet I have failed to follow the command. I judge John and am not always loving toward him because of how I feel toward myself. 

It's hard to accept this abused, mute, introvert is now healed, confident, and courageous. It intimidates me, why wouldn't it intimidate John? I know myself, to be myself I need to love myself. Until I love myself I can't love Jihn the way he needs his wife to love him. I can't be consistent in my love to Kamea and I certainly can't lead others in a loving relationship with themselves. 

All that stuff I was saying in the recording today, I need to implement. I need to go through the process I would teach in order to love who God has called me to be. 

To love self is to be okay with the true self.

Do I love myself enough to save my marriage?

 

Power of Disobedience

Disobeying Gods command doesn't just effect me. He has called me to speak and annoyed me as a prophet. He has already put his words into my mouth. I can no longer fear being his mouthpiece. Everyone didn't always like what the prophets in the Bible had to say but that didn't stop them from speaking out. I can't stop myself from speaking out what God has ushered in. It's not just my life I'm prolonging, it's also the lives of others. 

God you are moving, have been moving. It is I who have failed to follow. Carrying your cross is much lighter a burden to carry than John, distractions, family and my past. I give it up, kick it off and send it to the cross. I choose love, therefore I choose you. I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am your child, your mouthpiece oh God!!!! In Jesus name, amen.