Today....

Yesterday I reached out to Tera about the situation here. What really made an imprint was her umbrella analogy. I hold this umbrella over John going where he goes to protect him from the rain when the rain is God trying to teach him something. I forgot and felt good and understood my place.

Than talking with Vanessa was eye opening when I look at it rationally. Honestly without the spiritual lends on. Was that the answer I was actually looking for? I do love John and although we were disobedient in getting married, God showed me the vision of our marriage and it's not to give up. Our testimony will be used to save other marriages and the challenge of not just being unequally yoked with your spouse, but also with God. I want to keep my marriage because it brings me joy, happiness and spontaneity. He cares for me and serves me. He loves me. He just doesn't care or love himself. He can't receive my love nor the love of God. 

Might have gotten off on a tangent here but the country between Vaesaa and Tera, I need to focus on Liz. What the holy spirit is doing within and what needs to happen practically, for the long run. Patrick mentioned what is going to help. The light at the end of this tunnel will lead to success. Will that success be with our without John? Either way. Liz needs a job and needs to be about supporting her daughter.

The other things Vanessa mentioned was a mock rock bottom and legal separation to protect me from John's financial mess. Right now ova responsible for all the debt he is recurring. 

Rather someone told me or not. Its no one else's fault but my own that I'm not where I need to be. Being at home with Kamea and building a business was ideal but not realistic. 

It's time for mama bear to roll out and protect her cub by all means necessary.

A Love Affair

It may sound selfish because the world has misused love and self. Yet Jesus said, in Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV), “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor AS YOURSELF.

Meaning, how can we love anyone else if we have no love for ourselves? If we don't love ourselves.

I literally know this already. I don't know how many times I have said yet I have failed to follow the command. I judge John and am not always loving toward him because of how I feel toward myself. 

It's hard to accept this abused, mute, introvert is now healed, confident, and courageous. It intimidates me, why wouldn't it intimidate John? I know myself, to be myself I need to love myself. Until I love myself I can't love Jihn the way he needs his wife to love him. I can't be consistent in my love to Kamea and I certainly can't lead others in a loving relationship with themselves. 

All that stuff I was saying in the recording today, I need to implement. I need to go through the process I would teach in order to love who God has called me to be. 

To love self is to be okay with the true self.

Do I love myself enough to save my marriage?

 

Power of Disobedience

Disobeying Gods command doesn't just effect me. He has called me to speak and annoyed me as a prophet. He has already put his words into my mouth. I can no longer fear being his mouthpiece. Everyone didn't always like what the prophets in the Bible had to say but that didn't stop them from speaking out. I can't stop myself from speaking out what God has ushered in. It's not just my life I'm prolonging, it's also the lives of others. 

God you are moving, have been moving. It is I who have failed to follow. Carrying your cross is much lighter a burden to carry than John, distractions, family and my past. I give it up, kick it off and send it to the cross. I choose love, therefore I choose you. I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am your child, your mouthpiece oh God!!!! In Jesus name, amen.

"I got poop on my fingers!"

I despise potty training! I feel like we've been doing this forever. I constantly have to remind myself she's only two. 

We've been potty training since October. She's was doing so well! Then we moved  and she regressed. She started to do well again than her dad started working two jobs and we hardly saw him and she regressed again. 

Thank you to some amazing ladies we have started a potty chart alongside a timer. She gets a sticker every time she goes potty. The timer goes of now every 30min. We've build up from 10min and she is excited most of the time to go potty when it goes off.

Today we had my nephew over and these two are thick as thieves and worst enemies. She woke up from a late nap and I had ordered some pizza. Since the timer is so effective I put 5 minutes on it in order to change her diaper. The pizza said it had 50 minutes. Just as the inner goes off I hear a knock to the door. My daughter says mommy I have to poopy. Since the pizza man was here and she had a diaper on I went on ahead and opened the door. As I hand him the money and he's getting the pizza out very disgustingly my daughter says, "I GOT POOP ON MY FINGERS!!!!" I paused, one hand on the pizza and the other hand trying to restrain her from accidentally getting it on anything, mainly me. I decided to finish grabbing the food and while he got the change wiped her fingers. I closed the door and changed her diaper without giving a tip. I really felt bad.

As I changed her diaper I was mumbling under my breath, " ugh, I hate potty training. It's so gross, I hate bodily floods...blah blah blah." I honestly am feeling like a failure as a parent. Why hasn't she got this concept yet?

Fast forward to bed time. Since we brought her home we've had the exact same bed time routine. Bath time, brush teeth, put on pajamas, story time, prayer, sing song and off to sleep. (If it sounds like a song, it is. Thank God for Daniel Tiger!!!! And my own personal additions.) Immediately as Infknish praying she says, Wakati Mom. 

As a teen I loved monkeys. I enjoyed collecting stuffed animals of monkeys. I had watched Buddy a thousand times and longed to have a monkey as a pet. I remember watching Mighty Joe Young once and said when I have a kid I wanted to sing that song. 

From the time I said that until I was pregnant with my daughter I couldn't remember what movie I heard the song. I finally mention it tony husband one day and he immediately knew what movie and you tubed the song for me. 

Imba wimbo
Wa upepo
Wakati unajua na

Imba wimbo
Wa upepo
Wakati ndoto tamu

Lala mpaka usiku isha
Upepo wa usiku
Wimbo wako na

Wimbo wangu inaendelea
Upepo wa usiku
Wimbo wako na

Translation:

Sing a song  
And for a moment 
You will be visited by the wind 

Sing a song  
And for a moment  
Dream sweetly of the wind 

Sleep now until the night is dawn 
The wind and the night song, they are there 
However the song, my child, will go on forever. 

My husband and I memorized the song and sung it to her in the womb and every night since she was born. Tonight, as I hold her in my arms and our hearts again echo each others I know these moments of toddlerhood won't last. She'll go place I can't go and do things I can't do. However, the song, my child, will go on forever.

I have no doubt she'll pick up potty training. Just like she has picked up the song And now sings along with us. I may not have this potty training process down packed where she is going constantly with no accidents. But I know with repetition and dedication she will get it, just like she got the song. 

No longer afraid

Although I was excited for my speech Monday, I didn't give it. I was too caught up in my value that I didn't give value to God. 

I don't just have a gift of speaking. I am called to speak. Whenever I try to speak from outside my Godspace, my message is unclear. I need to fully remove me and allow the Lords words to be put in my mouth that no matter if they're organized, the size of the audience, the location or the time I can confidently stand and speak out from my anointing. 

I want to be obedient to the call of God and stop allowing fear of my reputation to hold me back from being the true me. Therefore, I'm no longer going to speak for my convenience, but in full obedience to his call!